Boabill Bouche

Hello everybody!

My name is Boabill Bouche (bow-ah-bill boo-shay)! I'm a fighter! I'm not very disk, uh, disk-uh, disciplined! That's it! I'm not very disciplined in my fightings, but I'm very good at it! My momma says so.

As you can sees, I'm a big fella. That's 'cause my momma, she's an ogre. My poppa, he was an speller from Aodar. He was a, um, wait a minute, I remember this…um, yea! Anthopolologist! That's it! He workeded for the Sage's Guild in Aodar. Doin' Anthopolologistic stuffs for them.

So one day, the sagey guys, they sent poppa out to do a study on the snu-snu habits of ogres. Why they wanted to know this, I don't know, and apparently neither did poppa. At least, not that he ever told momma. So poppa traveled a good way from Aodar up into tha hills and found a village of ogres. The sagey guys, they'd given poppa a lot of monies so that he could pay the ogres to not eats him up. Speakin' of that, momma says that ogres don't eats people as much as others claim. Only when they gets the hungers on 'em really bad. So you little squishy folks don' gotta worry 'bout me eatins on yas.

Anyways, poppa had been in the village for a few days when momma took a likin' to him. She once told me that she liked poppa's hands. That he had really pretty hands. Nice and dainty, like a little girl's. She used to watch his hands when he was spellin' to entertain the others in the village and thought of all the things he could do to her with those hands. I know! Creeped me out too to hear that from momma.

So momma started courtin' poppa after that. Poppa was kind of stand-offish at first, but momma quickly per, uh, persued, nope…uh, oh! yea, persuaded him by picking him up and carrying him back to her hut. She said she taught him all he needed to know about ogre snu-snu rituals after that. Poppa wanted to keep studying it though, and got momma to come back to Aodar with him.

Momma said people was always lookin' at her funny 'cause she so much more impressive than all the little squishy folks in Aodar, but she didn't let it bother her. Somethin' about how she knew she could bus' most of 'em like a grape if'n she wanted to. So she didn't care what they was thinkin' 'bout her. She said as long as poppa likeded her, it was all okay

And poppa did. Shoot, poppa was in love accordin' to momma. She said there was no way he needed more 'splainin' 'bout snu-snu rituals of ogres. But he kept insistin' that they keep doin' it. She said she liked how he used those dainty little hands of his, how they wasn't so rough as the ogre boys back in the village, so she was more than happy to go along with it.

Poppa took momma to live on his parent's farm outside of Aodar. Momma said Gran-gran and Ging-ging were a bit upset at first, what with poppa bringin' home such a robust woman all un'spected like. She said they came around though when she picked up one of the plow horses and changed its shoes all by herself, and could unload tha haywagon in like half the time it took Ging-ging to do it. After that, they likeded her a whole bunch.

So, momma said that eventually, all the snu-snu made me show up and that I'm the most handsomest ogre type a fellah she's ever seen. Said I gots my poppa's eyes and though they's bigger than his, she can see his dainty hands when she looks at mine.

I was quite happy growin' up. Gran-gran and Ging-ging called me their lil' Bing-Bing. Though I was taller than either of 'em by the time I was ten. Ging-ging got lots o'work out of me by making chores inta games. Like tossin' the hay bales, plow racin', wood chop racin', stuff like that. Momma helped around the farm too, and poppa was there when he wasn't busy doin' sagey stuffs for the old guys at the guild.

When I was ten and four, somethin' bad happened. Momma and poppa was doin' some snu-snu up in the hayloft one night when the floor gave out and they fell through. Somehow momma ended up on top of poppa and, him bein' smaller and squishy, she squished him but good. So much so he was kilt. Momma said he died well at least. She said death by snu-snu was a great priv, uh, privvy, no, priveledge, yea, that's it. She said poppa had a big smile on his face at the last.

Gran-gran and Ging-ging were upset, along with momma, but they knew it wasn't her fault. I was really sad for a long, long time. Then I met Mister Cap'n Kleinguard. He was a travelin' human mers-nary who stopped by tha farm on account of some bandits had sneaked up on him when he was sleepin' and stolt his horse and bonkeded him on the head. He came to ask if Ging-ging had a horse he could buy. Ging-ging was willin' to sell him one, but Mister Cap'n Kleinguard realized the bandits had stolt his money bag too! So Ging-ging said he could work for a horse if'n he wanted to. Mister Cap'n Kleinguard was just gonna keep walkin', but then he got all sleepy and fell over on account of momma said he had a cun-cussin'.

So we all helped Mister Cap'n Kleinguard get better. He told me that I was a big fellow and he could find work for me in the mers-nary guild if'n I wanted. I told him I didn't know how to fight. He looked me up and down and said "If'n you got half your momma in you, you gone be a good fighter, no doubt." So I thought about it some, and since I was still sad thinkin' about poppa all the time, I thought maybe it'd help me some to get away from the farm for a while.

So I went to Aodar with Mister Cap'n Kleinguard and he put me in trainin' at the mers-nary guild. My momma didn't want me to go, but she said she understood. Said I's was a big boy and should get out and see the world. That poppa would'a wanted it that way.

When I first got into tha trainin' the other train-knees laughed at me. They made fun a' my size and called me names on account of they thought they was lots smarter'n'me. I 'fess that at first I wasn't doin' so good. I was kinda clumsy with the little wooden sticks they gave us ta practice with. Kept breakin' 'em or droppin' 'em 'cause I couldn't get a good grip on the little handles. I kept gettin' constipated…no, wait, that's not the word. Um…frustrated! That's it. I kept gettin' frustrated and I'd up and break the practice sticks or bend the practice shields and rip apart the practice dummies.

So Mister Cap'n Kleinguard took me aside one day and tol' me that I needed to learn to channel my anger. To use it to make me a better fighter. He told me when I felt myself gettin' angry I needed to think for a moment, then visualize the outcome I wanted from the fight and then attack. Visualize and attack. He even taught me an ancient ogre battlecry he'd once heard to help me focus and channel my anger.

So next time I was sparrin' and one of the other trainees started makin' fun of me, I took a deep breath, yelled "Waaaagh!!!!" and jumped on him. I don't remember much after that. But nex' thing I 'member is that trainee, he's layin' there all bruised and sleepylike and Mister Cap'n Kleinguard is laughin' and slappin' me on the back and tellin' me I was jus' like the big ol' barbarians he was comin' back from fightin' against when his horse got stolt. He said I near 'bout brokeded the other trainee's neck.

After that, Mister Cap'n Kleinguard tolt me I was ready to head out and do some actual mers-nary work. So I signed a contrack to head out to do some guard work for some folks in Notch. I was excited 'bout gettin' out and seein' new things, but I was also kinda scared 'cause of all the stuffs out there my momma tol' me was the debbil. She came to see me off and tolt me about all the debblish stuff I should watch out for. She said to keep a special eye out for little folks. She said anyone knee high or smaller was bound to be a circus midget and you couldn't trust circus folk. Said they had sticky fat little sausage fingers and smelled like cabbage. Said little folk will steal ya blind if'n you don't keep an eye on 'em. She also said dragons was tha debbil because they was all sneaky like and shape shiftery. She said bards was tha debbil 'cause they's all just lookin' for a handout and don' want to do no hard work. Lots of other stuff she said was tha debbil, but still, even though it scared me a bit, I still wanted to go out and be a mers-nary.

So I headed out towards Notch. I remember gettin' within sight of the city, but then things got kinda confusin' and nex' thing I 'member really clear like is sittin' here talkin' to you guys. Do I smell cabbage?